The Cracker Project: Scandinavian Oatmeal Crackers

So I've been a little weak on the Cracker Project front.  I've come to the conclusion that I should have started the Cake Project instead, because who doesn't love cake?  Plus it's just less fussy.

Still and all, I am no quitter (why is my husband laughing?), even though I forgot to make crackers last month and then in April my cracker was actually a tortilla.  So THIS month I figured I had better get on the stick early and pound this thing out.

Thus, Scandinavian Oatmeal Crackers from Better Homes and Gardens New Baking Book.  And hey, it's online, so here's the link.

Side note: I got this cookbook in 1999 when I was pregnant with Abby.  I write in my cookbooks, so I can tell you what cakes I made for Johanna and Abby's birthdays, or when Terrine and I made gingerbread cookies when she was three and I was babysitting her every day.

Abby is bored today, apparently, so she helped.  She rolled out the dough and cut out the circle shapes.  Until she decided she had better things to do.  Well, she's 12.  Johanna decided she wanted to help too (FYI, if that kid says my name ONE MORE TIME I will lose it) so she's on Flour Patrol.  I think we all know how that turned out.

Abby, pre-Flour Patrol

The verdict: Um, wow.  These are really quite good.  They taste like an oaty wheat thin (spell check hates the word "oaty," by the way).  And since this recipe makes a ton, they'd be fun to put out at a shower or party.

The dough was pretty dreamy to work with--I thought maybe it was too dry, but apparently not because it rolled out nice and thin without any help from parchment paper.  (The earth thanks you, BHG.)  I sprinkled the tops with finishing salt because I haven't had anything to sprinkle it on since I made Wheat Thins in February.

First batch.  Aren't they cute?

"I have a quote for your blog," Eric just said.  "Those crackers are just too good and they'll never last."

"They WILL last!" says Johanna.  "One per piece."  (What?)

"They're really, really good," says Abby.

So yeah.  Definite keeper.

The Cracker Project: Tortillas

Once upon a time--like September 2010, according to my kitchen journal--I decided that I needed to learn how to make tortillas.  Funny story: Eric has high blood pressure.  Oh, wait.  That's not very funny at all.  Well, it's genetic, and he's got it under control, and while we're not a very salty family, packaged tortillas have an ungodly amount of sodium per serving.

We can do much better than that, obviously.

So that's what started the trend.  Tortillas are actually fairly simple to make, and the fact that they take four ingredients--one of which is water--makes them even more awesome.  The recipe I was using had me baking them in a very hot oven for like three minutes or something.  And that worked okay.  The finished tortillas were pale and not very bendy--wrapping up a taco took some creativity--but they tasted amazing, so we rejoiced.

But then.  Sometimes a girl just likes to try stuff, I guess.  I wanted to see what would happen if I fried these suckers up.  I broke out my skillet and OH EM GEE.  The results were totally life changing.

Because the fried tortillas?  Have a wonderful smokey flavor, are easy to fold, and actually have some color.  Plus, these things are sturdy.  Now THAT is a tortilla.

This is the only one in the batch that turned out roundish.
Thus, it gets its picture taken so I look all awesome.

And okay, tortillas aren't really crackers.  Or are they?  Honestly, it's a fine line.  I figure since this technique was new to me this month, it totally counts.  Plus!  It's my blog and I'm prone to doing whatever I want.

So!  Here's the recipe:

2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup shortening
3/4 cup warm water

Mix all that up in your poser KitchenAid for like six minutes, then let the dough rest for about 20 because it's exhausting being a raw tortilla.

Heat up a cast iron skillet and swirl around some veggie oil for good measure. Divide dough into eight to 12 pieces, you know, depending. Roll into circle-ish discs, toss one in the pan, wait a minute and then flip it over and wait another minute.  When it's cooked, remove it, because letting it just sit there burning in the pan is silly.  Start all over again with another disc of dough.

I won't lie, standing over the skillet is a pain. But it is so worth it.  These tortillas are a thing of beauty.

Ask my girls if you don't believe me.

P.S. I like to make a double batch while I'm at it.  They store up very nicely in the refrigerator, and they store up very nicely in the freezer, so really, why not just go for broke?

The Cracker Project: Parmesan and Pepper Sticks / Cinnamon Sugar Sticks

The Cracker Project lives!  Well, it's turned into a once-a-month extravaganza, so really, how hard is that?  Amazingly hard, actually.  I need to rethink my resolution for next year.

I sort of cheated this time around.  I got the April 2012 issue of Everyday Food in the mail the other day, and Johanna and I spent a bit of time looking through it together.  It's sort of funny how much she likes cooking magazines, considering that she doesn't like many things that are actually cooked.  Her dinner last night was frozen green beans.  From our garden, if that makes it any better, which I'm pretty sure does not.  Such is life.  I've decided nutrition happens over the course of a week.  Otherwise I'd just be tearing my hair out all the time, and honestly, I do enough of that already.

The point of that paragraph?  Johanna saw this recipe, which uses store-bought puff pastry, and decided it looked "really good."  I mean, what could I do then but make it?  Especially since I have some puff pastry in the freezer.  We're a good five months past the "best by" date, truth be told, but whatever.  There's one less box in my freezer now.  Freezer burn doesn't taste that bad.

Parmesan Pepper Sticks dough.
Again, yes, this looks whack, okay?  I'm just in it for
the photographic proof.  Sheesh.

So as I was readying the ingredients--puff pastry, melted unsalted butter, freshly grated parmesan and black pepper--I noticed that ol' Martha had a little note at the bottom of the page suggesting cinnamon and sugar for a sweet stick.  Puff pastry and parmesan!  And puff pastry and cinnamon!  I mean, how do you choose?

Answer: You don't.  You split the dough in half and viola!  No choices necessary.

Cinnamon Sugar Sticks dough.

And yes, there's a recipe, but it's probably copyrighted, PLUS Martha went to jail and all so she's probably like a total law abiding citizen now, having been scared straight in the slammer, so I don't want to get on her bad side.  Happily, this isn't rocket science.  It's rolling out dough, and cutting it in half lengthwise, and spreading it with butter, and then sprinkling on toppings.  And gently rolling over those toppings to get them to adhere, and then FLIPPING IT OVER AND DOING THE SAME THING on the other side.  Oh, and cutting them into strips, I suppose, and popping them in the oven (may I suggest 375º?) for like 7 or 8 minutes.

Cinnamon and parmesan, living in harmony.

Although if you want the recipe and I know you, I'll totally email it.  I get these things on my iPad too, so it's easy to send it along.  But honestly, that's all you do.  You can TOTALLY do that without a "recipe."  Skilly can do it, and he doesn't even have working thumbs.

Skilly leads a hard life.

The verdict:  Well, both kinds disappeared with alarming speed.  In fact, I've had to declare a radius of safety around the cooling rack so Eric will be able to try them later.  The recipe supposedly makes 72, but I didn't come even remotely close to that because my measuring skillz suck.  You'd think I'd feel bad about that, and yet, not so much.

Abby suggested I make the sticks bigger next time, so they're more breadstick and less cracker (well, cracker in the loosest sense of the word).  "Do you have more of that puff pastry?" Johanna just called out.  "If you buy more, we can make more!"

So yay.  I love it when a project works out.

The Cracker Project: Wheat Thins

I'll bet you thought I forgot all about my supposed Cracker Project, didn't you?  Well, honestly, I'd like to forget, but!  For some reason I feel compelled to follow through on my pointless resolutions, and anyway, it would sort of rock to actually be able to make a decent cracker.  The Goldfish from January were good, but they weren't crackers.

Well, no one said this was going to be easy.

I found this wheat-cracker recipe while stumbling around on StumbleUpon.  A quick Google search tells me that it was adapted from the King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking Cookbook, so I probably shouldn't post the recipe.  I don't know, copyright infringement or plagiarism or something.  So just Google "Wheat Thins Cracker Recipe" and see what comes up, okay?  I've given you plenty of clues to figure it out.

Um, so anyway, these crackers contain whole wheat flour--except I just used unbleached because my IBS is not compatible with "whole" and "wheat"--and sugar, salt, paprika, butter, water and vanilla.  Oooh, one cool thing, the recipe had me grate the butter into the flour with a cheese grater.  Worked like a CHAMP.  I might do that from now on.  Because my pastry cutter is whack, that's why.

This time I was determined to make nice, thin crackers, so I rolled the dough between two lightly floured sheets of parchment, trying to tell myself that my environmental impact would be minimal because paper is... compost-friendly?  I guess?  Seriously, I feel guilty about all that parchment.  I did get some nice thin crackers, though, I tell you what.  Dividing the dough into quarters helped, too.  Less dough to flatten or something.

And again, I am not a professional photographer and I know this looks terrible, okay?  I'm posting more for the proof of the thing.

I sprinkled the crackers with some finishing salt that I found in the bulk section of my favorite grocery store.  Made me feel all cool and awesome, mostly because I haven't really had anything to sprinkle before now.

Anyway, the dough I thought I had rolled out nice and thin was apparently not thin enough, because those crackers are a little puffy.  The crackers I knew I rolled out nice and thin LOOK LIKE CRACKERS.  Hallelujah, it's a miracle!  I almost don't even care about what they taste like.

EXCEPT!  They're actually good and crunchy.  I wonder if that's because of my super-skillz at rolling dough (cough) or the fact that I baked them 12 minutes instead of 10?  Even the puffier ones crunch.

That sort of looks like a Wheat Thin, right?

My only mistake: Between batches, I should have put the extra dough in the refrigerator.  Because when it was time to roll out my second batch, it wasn't as easy as the first time around.

Anyway, now that the crackers are out of the oven and cooled down a bit, the fam has descended upon them.  Eric says they taste just like Wheat Thins, which might be overdoing it a bit.  The girls are coming back for seconds and thirds.  Lesson learned from January: Just let them eat the crackers while they're fresh.  Because tomorrow they may be cat food.  And anyway, right now, they're good.

Yay!

The end.

The Cracker Project: Goldfish

Update below...

It's a beautiful day today--the fog has cleared, and it's blue sky and sunshine and awesome.  Johanna and Eric are outside.  Abby is reading in her room.  And I am making a big mess in my kitchen, which is one of my very favorite things to do.

So essentially, my point is this: It's a good day for crackers.

I found a recipe for Goldfish a few months ago on StumbleUpon (that's a fun way to spend an afternoon, just FYI), and I loaded it into my Recipe Box app (totally worth the $5 or whatever it cost) and then sort of forgot about it, as I am prone to do, except then I made The Cracker Resolution, which will henceforth be called The Cracker Project because it sounds cooler, and I started looking through my files for candidates.  Ta-da!

Yeah, not much of a story there.  Well, I tried.

The recipe (I don't feel bad about posting this because it's all over):
Combine the following in a food processor:
8 ounces sharp cheddar cheese, grated (I used medium because that's what I have)
4 tablespoons butter, cubed
1 cup flour
3/4 teaspoon salt

Add, 1 tablespoon at a time:
2 tablespoons cold water

...And pulse that around until a doughish substance is formed.  Trust me, you'll know it when you see it.

Gather into a ball and put into a small bowl; cover and put in the refrigerator for 20 minutes.  (You're supposed to use plastic wrap, but why?  Reduce!)

Preheat oven to 350-degrees.  Roll out into a 1/8-inch thickness (or, you know, whatever) and cut into desired shapes.  (Look, I don't have a goldfish cookie cutter, nor do I want one, so I just sort of used a pizza cutter and made square-ish shapes and declared it all perfect.)  Transfer pieces to a cookie sheet and bake 15 minutes.

The verdict:
First of all, the dough was a dream.  And I couldn't really keep the girls from picking at it.  Well, it IS just a bunch of cheese, really.  The finish product tastes more like a cheese biscuit than a cracker--they're chewy, not crunchy--but I've read a few reviews that say they'll crunch up by tomorrow, so we shall see.  Even with the chewy texture, everyone has beens scarfing them down.  They're good.  I've had to hide them so there will be some for the girls' lunches tomorrow.  Abby has already asked that I make them again, and Johanna has suggested I call them Cheez-Its instead of Goldfish.  (Well, she has a point.)

UPDATE, 1/10: 
Some lessons learned: The crackers never did "crunch up" for us--they stayed soft little cheese biscuits.  Which is fine, as long as you're just experimenting for the heck of it anyway, I guess.  And they were great on Day 1, okay on Day 2, and are now officially cat food on Day 3 (um, because Madie likes them.  I'm pretty sure she's senile, though).  These "crackers" would be a great addition to soup night--they don't really take any longer than making traditional biscuits, unless you count the 20 minutes of chilling time--but not so much good for lunchbox filler.  So there you go.  Eat 'em while they're fresh.

The photo proof:

Cutting into PERFECT shapes, obviously.

Look, I'm not a professional photographer,
alright?  I know this looks whack.

Ah, little crackers!  Seeing you in your jar fills my heart with joy.  Apparently I need to get out more.  P.S. This is all that survived out of 7+ dozen.  Ah, well.

P.P.S. Happy 89th birthday, Gramps!