Friday, May 8, 2015

Lunch date fail

Once upon a time, like last Thursday (this was supposed to be my May 1 post but I never got around to writing it. Oops), Eric took me out to lunch at our local Elk's club restaurant. If you remember how we had this exact same date last year (um, it's okay if you don't 'cause I barely do. Well, I'm old), then you'll know that I dissed the place hard and then was utterly amazed by the artisan bun on my cheeseburger.

So this time, I kept my mouth shut and just went along with it. Besides, Eric had two $10 coupons, which meant lunch was free, so really, what was the downside?

Doesn't this look delicious? Yeah, not what we ate.

Like last time, we were the youngest in the joint by a good 40 years. Well, except for the bartender / waiter dude, who was a total hipster and who had two speeds: Slow and stop. We chose a table in the corner with the best view of the river, and then proceeded to chat. And place our order for two cheeseburgers. And then chat some more.

We'd been chatting for a full 35 minutes, still sans cheeseburgers, which was a little odd because all those old dudes at the bar who had come in after us were all eating their meals. Eric stands up to talk to Hipster Waiter Guy, and before Eric can even get a word out, he's all, I'll go check.

So at this point it's been 40 minutes and we've kind of run out of things to say to each other because we've been married 19.5 years and we'd just seen each other that morning and hadn't had enough time to come up with any new stories. Hipster Waiter Guy slowly makes his way to our table and is all like, the cook is just putting the toppings on your burger, won't be much longer, and then after he slinks away I'm all, uh, that's code for, 'oh shit, we forgot.' That made Eric laugh, so I felt pretty good about myself.

So at 12:55, we finally get our two cheeseburgers, which are just okay. No artisan bun, that's for sure, and frozen fries, not that there's anything wrong with frozen fries, just wasn't what we were expecting after last year's extravaganza. Eric is determined to get back to the office ASAP and is pounding his cheeseburger like he's going for the gold at a food eating contest, and I'm just trying to keep up, plus I was pretty sure all signs were pointing to food poisoning or, at the very least, one of my fun stomach attacks because I had my doubts about the naturalness of my meal.

Whatever, pound pound pound, now we're done, it's 1:05, and Eric is ready to go. Hipster Waiter Guy isn't even trying to make eye contact, and Eric is like, do we actually have to tip for this?, and I'm like, oh hell no, 55 minutes, yo!, and he agrees. He pulls out his two $10 coupons -- our burgers were $9.50 yeah -- and puts them on the table, takes my hand and we're out of there.

I'm like, uh, we can't just leave, because I knew Hipster Waiter Guy was going to stop us for apparent dining and dashing, but that dude gave zero craps and didn't even bother to turn around to watch us leave, let alone yell at us about being delinquents. 

That was probably the coolest thing I did all week.

You'd think our sad tale would be over, but alas, not yet. Eric is on a mission to get up the hill and back to work -- we'd walked to lunch -- and he's practically running and dragging me along behind him. Finally he looks at me and is all, are you okay?, and I'm like, dude, I just pounded a cheeseburger in like 8 minutes and this is all uphill. Been better, and he just laughs because he thinks I'm a riot.

I'm a riot, all right. I can't believe I didn't puke on his shoes.

Anyway, I am happy to report that I did not get food poisoning or have any sort of reaction to my meal, so yay, calling it a win! Also, doesn't this make a much better story than if we'd gone to eat and had a delicious meal served in a timely manner?

Well, whatever. I think it's going to take more than a couple of coupons to get us back to that place.

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