Friday, May 2, 2014

The Continuing Adventures of Cranky Steve

It's been a while since I've written a Cranky Steve update, that crazy character, and let me tell you, that's unfortunate because there's a lot of movement on that front. For one thing (update #1), he's retiring the end of June. He says that July 1 he's going to sit outside the office in lawn chair and drink a cocktail and stare at us through the window (totally not creepy AT ALL), but we all know that when he leaves that last day, we will never see him again.

(Update #2) Steve is depressed because his pet raccoons are no longer coming around and he's pretty sure that has something to do with global warming. Except I don't think he really believes in global warming. Whatevs, I told him it's probably not that, just that he tamed them to the point of insanity and they might have gone into someone else's house and that got them shot. He says maybe, but coyotes are big fans of raccoon dinner, so that could be it, too.

Or, even more upbeat, he thinks maybe his babies got poisoned. Regardless of how they met their untimely demise, he misses them. Well, he's got one, anyway, that lives under his porch, so that's a plus.

Which brings us to (update #3/rant #1) his unshakable belief that raccoons in the Pacific Northwest do not have rabies. Everyone is idiotic who believes otherwise (um, that would be me). And! Bats also do not have rabies in our neck of the woods, either. We're like a rabies-free zone. I suggested that maybe taming bats could be his next project, but he said that he doesn't have any. Too bad. We have bats at our house (they live in our poplar trees), but I am A) not going to tame them or 2) let Steve anywhere near them.

Fun fact: I love our bats. I love watching them swoop around at dusk. And they eat bugs. Yay bats!

Probably NOT what we have living in our trees. But SO CUTE.

Lastly (update #4, I told you there was a lot of movement on the Steve front), he likes telling me about a certain brand of organic ketchup sold at a certain downtown grocery. It's so potent you only need one little drop of the stuff per tater tot! So the other day, he brings me a bottle. Actually, he brought me all kinds of stuff, to show me, I assumed, but he insisted I keep the ketchup. I was all, why are you giving me ketchup? and he was like, try it and if you don't like it, you can give it back, but if you do, you can pay me the $5. Then I was like, so you want my used ketchup?, but Steve is a hard man to crack. He just smiled and acted like we were finally getting somewhere with the understanding.

So the other evening we had burgers for dinner, and that ketchup? Is delicious. So I was like, Steve, I have your five! And he was seriously very excited that I had tried it, and that it was A Big Hit, and then laughed when I told him Johanna liked it so much that she had two bun / ketchup / cheese / lettuce "burgers" when the meat ran out.

And then he suggested that I go buy a case because the lady who owns the downtown grocery is threatening to sell and move on to other things. Dude, I got a website. I'll take my chances.

So that's the Continuing Adventures of Cranky Steve. Maybe more later.

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