Friday, August 1, 2014

The good news is I didn't crush anyone yesterday

It's hard to believe it's been almost three years since this happened.

(In case you don't feel like clicking the link and reading one of my very first blog posts from 2011 about me going in for a blood draw and then practically crushing the blood draw lady with my body as I hit the floor, that's what it's about, except with a lot more words. It's actually one of my favorite posts. Don't you feel bad now for not clicking the link?)

Anyway, so even though my doctor, whom I love and adore, told me I could take a few years off from getting blood work done due to my "adverse reaction to needles" (that's kind of an understatement), I decided this was my year to get back on that horse. I mean, we've got a lot of cancer running around the family, and with Marlene passing away and my Uncle Jerry in an induced coma for the past week or so because his colon cancer is a jerk... I don't know, it just kind of seemed like something I really needed to do.

I had my annual physical last week and my doctor put in the order for blood work, and wouldn't you know, you just waltz right into the hospital whenever you feel like it and they get 'er done. With my new work schedule, Thursday was the best day to go in for the procedure, so I was good and fasted and didn't even have one little sip of coffee or anything. That was rough. Even though I'm on decaf because of my stomach hates me.

I just really like coffee is all.

What I did drink was a lot of water. A LOT. My doctor told me to, and since I love and adore her, plus it seemed like this might be a ticket to not fainting this time, I totally listened. I must have drank four glasses in all, and even brought my Klean Kanteen with me... filled with more water.


So I get check in and go sit in the waiting room and whip out my Kindle and start playing a game. About five minutes later (the hospital is faster than the doctor's office. I guess that's the perk of a corporate takeover) my name gets called.

And wouldn't you know it, it's the blood draw lady I almost crushed three years ago.

I always just assume no one knows who I am, even though I kind of stick out (well, it's hard to hide when you're 6-feet tall), so as I sat down I explained that I am a fainter and even though I'd been drinking water like a madwoman, I probably needed a cot or something.

And she was like, oh, I remember you! And then goes on to tell me that's a story she likes to tell sometimes, and that she felt bad for not being adamant about me staying in that chair and letting me fall to the floor. But I was like, nah, I was just as adamant that I wanted to lay down, and I'm sorry about that because I really did think I could make it without crushing you. She laughed. Anyway, she got my stuff together and then told the other blood draw lady she was taking me to "infusions." That lady just looked confused, so I was like, I'm a fainter, and my blood draw lady was all, I'll tell you that story later, which made me laugh.

It was just hilarity all around.

So in "infusions" there are really nice leather recliners next to sunlit windows. With televisions for every chair. I was like, what is this place? and she was all, chemo. Don't get attached.

Well, that kind of ended the hilarity, especially when this guy came in and started bantering with the nurses, and I knew what he was in for.

So hey! I'm getting tired of typing, so let's just end this: The chair was comfy, I hardly felt the needle because my veins were behaving, apparently, and I filled three vials or some such nonsense with my life force (not to be all melodramatic or anything). WITHOUT FAINTING. I was like, we are writing a pretty good epilogue to my story here, and my blood draw lady agreed.

My hands felt a little tingly, but I did not feel bad at all. I sat there for a few minutes afterwards, just in case, and then hit the bathroom because damn! Four glasses of water plus a Klean Kanteen!

Then I hit Dutch Bros, ate my packed breakfast while waiting in line, and got myself an iced decaf Americano with cream and vanilla.

And it was delicious.

In conclusion: YAY ME!

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