It's been a hell of a week and a half, and I'm just... I don't even know. Mostly I'm just trying to exist until this whole ordeal gets easier.
I have no idea if it will get easier. I assume it has to. But I don't know.
I keep trying to figure out where I am with the five stages of grief. Like maybe if I can pinpoint where I am with all that, I'll be able to predict when I'll be able to breathe again. But you know what? The five stages of grief are stupid.
Because no one grieves the same, of course, and anyway, some of them don't even apply to my situation. How can I bargain if I have nothing to bargain with? So does that mean I just skip to the fourth stage, depression, or does that mean I'm stuck here at stage three forever?
Also, why can't denial, stage one, last longer?
Why did I marry someone who doesn't even know how to fight? I haven't been able to vent any of my anger. That's stage two. I want a proper stage two!
And why can't I be angry and depressed and in acceptance? I'm a realist, you guys, I know what happened.
So it turns out the five stages of grief are too black and white for my tastes. And P.S., I have written this post and written this post, and erased a thousand words at least, and all I can come up with is this: Grief sucks. All the stages in the world can't change that.
Talk about pointless.